It's a beautiful day today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the breeze is blowing. Yet somehow I feel discontent welling up inside me, swelling, like a giant pustule that just won't pop.

I'm at Hubbard Park. I took the back roads behind Verge Street to get here, climbing over the train tracks and sinking into the woods. As I walked the trail by the lake, I passed some teenage hoodlums. It occurred to me that this was the perfect place to get mugged; just out of earshot of the surrounding houses. But nothing happened. They just stared as I walked by, holding my lunch in a plastic Walmart bag, a thermos of water, and a book ("Shine" by Lauren Myracle).

And really, what could they take? Go through my wallet and you'll find about $6 in cash, my license, school ID, Stop and Shop card, library card, and my debit, which would lead you to about $300 in my savings.

What the fuck do I have to show for my life right now?

Really, it's not a lot. As much as I try to put faith in that mumbo-jumbo I spew out to people, "Oh, everyone has their own path in life, mine has been different but I still will get where I'm going," I can't help but feel anxious and futile. I'm graduating from college with a worthless degree, working a dead-end part time job, and then continuing school so that sometime in the vague two-years-from-now future I can accomplish something with my life.

I know two years isn't a long time. But I hate to feel so directionless. Even though I have a direction, I still feel this way. Like I'm going nowhere fast.

The same goes for all other aspects of my life, too. My family is fine. It is what it is. My friends? I don't even know how to use that word anymore.

Remember in high school when we used to spend hours on AIM or on the phone? We used to follow each other's live journals because we actually gave a damn about one another's thoughts and thought process. We would text each other for no reason other than to say hi, how's it going.

Friendship isn't like that anymore. The people whom I generally consider close are all away at school or working somewhere, having their own lives as I have nine one here. There just isn't time for that close connection anymore. Even local people like Lynn and Hiller are people I never see anymore, although they will be the first to contact me if they sense something is wrong. Weeks just slip by without my noticing, and the only socialising I do is if I go to Dani's house, or take Babs and Jacky to Denny's. I'm so tired of Denny's.

People tell me that this is just growing up. Your friendships become more superficial and having someone to confide in just becomes a thing of the past.

So I guess I should just accept that no one is ever going to text me just to see how I'm doing. My only confidant is myself and I should just learn to deal with myself without relying on others.

In that case, maybe this seven-month span til grad school is a good thing. I can try to get to know myself and reaffirm my own purpose, my own goals and dreams. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, just one of those dark moments right before someone flips on the light.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.